The Scoop Part I

So, as you may or may not know, I have lost a bit of weight lately. People say you can see it clearly when you see me. I have a harder time to see it. That old body dysmorphia gets hold and it is hard to believe that I  have lost any weight at all. 

For me, it is not just about the weight. It is about feeling better. Something I have needed for a long, long time. To feel better. It seems like such a simple thing. We sometimes go around feeling so crappy that it becomes normal to us. Well, as I always say, Normal is just a setting on your dryer and I aim to find a new "normal."

I think of all the years I dragged myself around, driving back and forth to Nackawic to my unsatisfying, soul crushing shift work jobs, feeling like complete garbage. Overweight, self esteem at an all time low. I was dragging around more weight than I ever had in my life. 

When I was a kid, I was slim. No, I was skinny. I was known for it and made fun of because of it. I was called Twiggy, Skinny Minny, Bonie Maronie, Olive Oyl and worst of all Karen Carpenter. This was the worst for me because I adored her so much and I was kind of traumatized by her gaunt appearance on those last TV specials I saw her on. Karen Carpenter was the poster girl for this new disease and the kids seem to relish calling me her name. I was scared to DEATH because I thought, as a kid, knowing nothing about what Anorexia really was that I would surely die like she, my hero, did. 

There is a part of me that wishes I could go back and talk to that little eleven year old girl and let her know that being "skinny" is hard but you'll get through it. I would let her know that she was worth more than her size and appearance. I would hug her and let her know that too shall pass and things will not seem this dark forever. 

The worst part of being skinny is that there is nothing that can be done about it. I could eat a side of beef and probably would have stayed just as small. People think that heavy people are the only ones with size issues, I am here to tell you, that is not the case at all. Sizism still runs rampant, and it is the last "ism' that seems to be accepted. Heck, it is OK to make fun of fat or skinny people, they do it on the Disney network, for Pete's sake. The fat/skinny gag is the go-to joke when there is nothing else funny to add. Fact. 

In my family culture, eating was what we did. If things were good or bad, you ate something. Want to insult my grandmother? Don't eat anything while at her house. She always had sweets, cookies and chips to offer. She also had a fridge full of leftovers and she would be completely insulted if you didn't dish yourself out a big plate full of them during your visit. She was an AMAZING cook. Good deeds and achievements were also rewarded with food. If you were sad or had hurt yourself, here, have a cookie. This is nothing against Gram or Mum but, this is simply the culture we came from. Food was something we looked forward to. When my brother and I were little, we lived from one meal to the next. My mother was also a brilliant cook who could literally make something from nothing. She also could make the simplest meal seem so special.  Her cooking is still renowned to this day. Food was an event and one that we were certainly not going to miss. Food meant prosperity and if we had good food, we were doing well. There were also times at my house when food was not as plentiful and we had to rely on things that were full of carbs and sugar, just to keep us filled up. Not a very healthy cycle and one that sets folks up for unbalanced nutrition, diabetes and other health concerns. Despite all of this food I was given, I stayed skinny. That doesn't mean that I didn't become a little fixated on food.

As I got older, even though I was slim, I was determined to hang onto that status. I was not "skinny" any more, I was thin. Thin was pretty. I was pretty because I was thin. I was not that "ugly" dirty little kid with the hand me down clothes from the run down house on the dirt road. I controlled what I ate. I had control over what nutrition went into my body and that was one of the very few things I had control over in my life. I know my friends remember my ever present baggie of carrots and Diet Coke in high school. When I was fifteen, I discovered coffee and tea and that kept my appetite down as well. I bought Slimfast shakes with my babysitting money and walked EVERYWHERE. I would walk the 8 KMs from the Hanwell Rd to town because I had no drive, my stepfather would charge me 10 dollars for a drive to town. Economy first and also because I knew it would keep me slim. 

While I was definitely not a classic case of an eating disorder, I definitely had some food control issues that were becoming a major part of my life. And that is only the first part of the story...

Broccoli, on laying like the vegetables on the Long May Weekend.

I had to answer 11 questions, come up with 11 questions of my own and tag 11 more people. So here we go.

1. Who’s your idol? It can be anyone and doesn’t have to be a celebrity or a public figure. Jesus, and as John Cusack says, not the war-making, gay hating political tool of the right, but the outcast, subversive, supreme adept who preferred the freaks and lepers and despised and doomed the rich and powerful. My Jesus is love, that is all. 

2. If you can be someone famous, who do you like to be? I would not be a real, live person but, I would be either Amelie from the movie, as played by Audrey Tatou. An innocent and naive girl in Paris, with her own sense of justice, decides to help those around her and along the way, discovers love. I could also be Anne of Green Gables, that imaginative, talkative, red-headed orphan who comes to live with Matthew and Marilla Cuthbert. These two characters are my very favourites. 

3. What are your favourite TV shows or movies? Dr Who, Torchwood, Being Human, Supernatural, Sherlock Holmes, Merlin, Once upon a Time, Grimm, GCB, Grey's, Jeopardy, Rock and Roll Jeopardy, Amelie, Anne of Green Gables, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sabrina, Roman Holiday, Whip It, Empire Records, Dazed and Confused, Pretty In Pink, The Breakfast Club

4. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Why? LOTR, because I read it when I was a kid and it made a huge impression on me...I like Harry Potter but LOTR is the first and best. 

5. Popcorns. Sweet or salty? Why? Dude, Kettlecorn, enough said!

6. Facebook or Twitter? Why? Both, facebook is the slumber party, twitter is the water cooler...both have different reasons why they are fun.

7. What are your pet peeves? Big Truck Attitude, Apathy, Entitled People, Toast Crumbs in the butter, open cupboard doors, toothpaste with the cap left off, camping, bad coffee...not neccessarily in that order...

8. Where do you like to go on a vacation? Someplace where I can sit quietly with a big page turner, a lovely beverage in peace and tranquility...My bedroom will do, if conditions are right. 

9. Your most wonderful memories you had last year.  I'll keep those to myself. This is definitely a better year, though. For real.

10. What’s your favourite holiday? Anything that I can watch the kids enjoy themselves.

11. Finally, I couldn’t resist asking a bookish question: Would you read a book which has received lots of hype and positive reviews, even though the storyline isn’t what you like to read? This question is super relevant right now. Case in point, 50 Shades of Grey. First of all, I think the whole thing sets the feminist movement back by about 50 years. Second, it is virtually word for word the same as the Masters of the Universe Twilight Fanfiction out on the Internet a few years ago. What I did read was boring, repetitive and took the long way round before it "payed off." I would not pay the money for this book series, especially to pay an author who regards her regards her readeship with such disdain. Deplorable! Also, according to some, it was not very well researched and has created an outcry in the very community it is supposed to embrace. As a writer, even a hack like me, what I did read was not very well written. Spare me the exhaustive, sacharrin descriptions of everything, for heaven's sake. Leave that to Anne Rice. Plus, it flies in the face of what my personal moral beliefs are. The female character is vapid. The male character is predatory. I do not believe in that kind of thing as entertainment. The whole thing is just a mess. I will not be reading any more and invite you not to support E.L. James either. The whole thing is deplorable and she has made her money by filing the serial numbers off the Twilight series (which BTW, was not great to begin with.) and presenting it as her own "entirely different original work of fiction." Horsefeathers! The Twilight Fan Fic Masters of the Universe and 50 Shades are 89% the same book. Go download a .pdf of the original for free and save your 40 bucks, if you NEED to read it. I dare you not throw the book at the wall after reading it. /rant

My 11 questions are here:

 1. Describe your dream profession.

 2. Who is your fave anti-hero or villain in literature?

 3. How many books do you own?

 4. Do you prefer coffee or tea?

 5. If there was one place you would like to live for a year, where would it be?

 6. What is your fave way to "waste" an hour?

 7. How many languages do you speak? Write?

 8. Which is the song you have been listening to a lot recently?

 9. What is your fave lipstick shade?

 10. Are you living to your full potential?

 11. Are you happy?

Bad Batch

Some days are like that...Just a mess that needs to be thrown in the garbage, pot and all. The latter part of yesterday was like that. A rugby game at the opposing team's home turf, in the pouring rain. Recipe for disaster.

So, I am not going to write any more about it than that. All I can do is pray for a better day today.

This blog is definitely going to have some growing pains over the next little while, I thank you so much for sticking around while I try to work it all out...and yeah,

Onions

Onions have layers, and I am kind of discovering mine this spring. I have peeled back a lot of stuff. And what happens when you peel back the layers of an onion, it can make you cry and tear up a bit. It can overwhelm everything else in the whole dish.

A lot of you have seen the Facebook posts about all the journeys I am on right now. Some of you know me through the church, and the road that I am on in helping my daughter and husband get ready for their Missions Trip to Haiti next March. I want to thank all you so much who donated and bought countless pounds of fudge and dozens of cookies in aid of their trip.

Speaking of fudge, and cookies...I have spent the greater part of April and May standing over a pot of sugar at my stove. I was making all of those goodies to support Shea and Scott and was proud to do it. My two would be missionaries really appreciated this and I give the glory all to the Creator that we could do this in service to his Kingdom.

A lot of people have been asking me if I would do the baking and candy making full time. This is a hard one. I know that making these things for a fundraiser is way different than doing it to try to pay your mortgage. I'm sure that most of the sales were because of the great cause it was supporting. It is kind of a different thing when you are running an actual, honest-to-goodness business. It is something to really think about because we are so busy with all the new house stuff.

Our new house has been a journey with many ups and downs. A long time coming. Much needed, as I don't think five people, sometimes six, and a dog can stay in this Mini-home for too much longer. It will burst like an overfilled pie in a too-hot oven.

Sharing the pictures with all of you has been really amazing. I want to thank you all for your kind comments and "likes" of the pics and what-not.

A lot of you know that Scott and I did not have an awful lot growing up, and while our new  home is not super fancy, we are proud to be able to share it with our children and his Mum. The reason we have this house is 100% because of Scott's hard work and dedication. I thank God for him every day, even when he burns my toast. Literally and figuratively.

So, this has been the busiest month EVER. To say the least! I am also embarking on a new adventure with Avon. Everyone knows that make up and beauty are something I am passionate about. My passion for makeup and beauty may seem shallow to some. To me, it is not about being magazine pretty. We all know that is not real. We needn't even dwell on how unreal that is because everyone can see it. My passion is finding the beauty in all things. All women and girls are beautiful in their own way. The confidence of knowing how to bring that out in your own self is a precious thing. Finding beauty in the non traditional or unconventional is like unearthing a treasure. It does not take much to make women shine. I love helping girls and other women find that sparkle and shine for themselves. Beauty and worth are not a size or a look or any of that stuff. I love working for a socially conscious company that empowers women in this way.

I propose a return of the old AVON visit. Not just ordering some stuff on-line or rushing willy nilly to drop off a catalogue so a person can make a hurried phone call to you ten minutes before the order is supposed to go in. What we need is a visit...a right good old natter, complete with tea and treats, kitchen table wisdom, positivity and support from other women. We need to have sisterhood with each other because the world is a harsh old place out there. Whatever we can do to help our sisters up, we should do that. Always.

I cannot WAIT to get into our new house so we can have that! All of my friends know that Sabrina's Kitchen Table is always open. Anytime. Day or Night. Period. Call me and I will do my best to help or send you in the direction you need to go in. I do not always sugarcoat it but, I will be real with you and invite you to do the same with me.

My friend WhiteFeather is the person who coined the Kitchen Dweller, Story Teller phrase. True story. She captioned a picture she took of me during a right good natter we were having one evening.She is an inspiring local artist and loyal friend, she once described my Mum as this old hippie bible lady. I loved it, because it was so spot on. Quite truthfully, I can feel that becoming my description as the days go on. I am cool with that, if I can be HALF the woman my mother was in her walk with the Lord, I will have an amazing story to tell.

The next part of my story is all about my weight loss. My mum struggled for years with her weight and diabetes and eventually succumbed to it. When my own Doctor advised me of my diagnosis back in November, I took it very seriously. I remember my mum, trying to make her way up the 84 steps to my college apartment in Woodstock. I remember her being frustrated because she was too tired and weak to sit for the kids as long and as much as she would have liked. I remember her making an early exit from our wedding reception because she was just to unwell to stay. The worst memory was when they amputated her leg as a result of an infection in her broken ankle due to complications from her Diabetes.

My mind was made up that for my mother, I would beat this thing. I would lose the weight that burdens my health and life. I would exercise and eat well so I can be around to kick the soccer ball with Kristen, so I can play Wii Just Dance for hours on end. I want to be well and be healthy and retire with my husband, be able to chase any grandchildren and the ever growing number of nieces and nephews that I have. I want to dance at the weddings of my children. I want to take coffee fuelled road trips with my husband in our golden years. My weight loss is a step in that direction.

I want to thank you all for your kind support on that score. 58 more pounds to lose. 42 gone. That will make a 100 pound loss. The weight loss is not about a certain grey size 12-14 Calvin Klein dress, though that wouldn't hurt my feelings any. The weight loss is about changing my life for the better.

Starting the Visalus shakes will definitely step that up and I plan on keeping up with all cardio ballroom, zumba, yoga and pilates I can possibly fit into my days. Watch this space!

Thank you all for letting me bend your ear. I appreciate all of you and pray for good things to come to all of you. Love and sugar. xo